what a way to die

I told you
I could kill you if I wanted to
smother you
in myself until you can’t remember your own name
or who you were before me
That I would envelop you
in my perfume of hate and lust
let it seep from my pores
like a  powerful aphrodisiac
I told you I would lay at your feet
in the sun
with your hands in my hair
while my heartbeat calms itself
And that you would
lose yourself in how completely
I gave myself to you
let my flesh
become your canvas
for your own aggressive art
I told you this
and you laughed
and said what a way to die…

tumblr_inline_oizc22dV9p1sjrdm8_540

four words

four words
that’s all it took
if you’re here
be here
if you’re gone
please just be gone
you owned me
so thoroughly
every part of my body
belonged to you
it was so primal
so urgent
the way you made me look in your eyes
the first time you
entered me
you knew i was yours
you marked me
like property
the thought of your nearness
of your mouth on my body
of your teeth
savagely
in my flesh
has my heart
threatening to crash
right out of my chest
my mouth watering
from the memory
of the way we tasted together
it was perfect
like missing
pieces to a puzzle
thats what we said
you wanted one thing
and i was afraid
so afraid of it that i lost you
but you said we would come back together
someday
that it would be gravity
i drove to the ocean the next day
sat in front of it and cried
let the salt from my eyes
mix with the water
i sent my sadness out to sea where it belonged
and never cried for you again
but i longed for your body
for the way you made me ache
the way you tortured me
so slowly
so sweetly
the bruises you left
the pain I would feel deep in my bones
reminding me of your love
and here you are
and i can hardly breathe

tumblr_inline_oivavhfRMF1sjrdm8_540

bits

it doesn’t matter how much you take
there are pieces of my soul everywhere
some i’ve left with lovers
some live in cities i’ve only ever dreamed of seeing

but your fingers
running lines across my ribcage
like a paintbrush
leaving a trail of goosebumps in their wake

my hair
a golden curtain
trailing down your chest
makes the missing bits
seem worthwhile

you can try to scoop them up
use your hands to
mold them into something
that
for a second resembles something whole

tell me i’m so pretty
when you make me shake
and cry
that’s how i feel together anyway –

when i’m broken

tumblr_inline_oivaixhDha1sjrdm8_540

The Thing

I got rid of the thing today.

It wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be. Not like the night you silently handed me back my key.

In my head I was screaming 1000 words at you, but all I could do was let rivers snake down my cheeks and the shaking of my body wrack my bones. You sat there rubbing that stupid stone –

between your thumb and forefinger. I wanted to scream at you. Shake your shoulders. Tell you this was wrong.

You told me I made you feel like the luckiest man alive. And now I’m left with this? This stupid trinket you said bonded us. This stupid thing you put around my neck and kissed me. This stupid thing that made you smile every time you saw me. This stupid thing that matched the one you wore…it got caught in your hair every time we made love and it made me giggle.

I cannot hold on to this any more.

I cannot hold on to you anymore.

To your name.

To the idea of you.

I’m unworthy of your words. Your time. The read sign on my messages is killing me…

But climbing into my bed wasn’t a problem.

I got rid of the thing. Now all that’s left are the needles you left in my brain called memories.

tumblr_inline_oivafilClv1sjrdm8_540

Last Night

it was disarming -the way your wore your vulnerabilty  without even knowing it, the truths you spoke knowing you were saying too much. i couldn’t stop staring, until you caught my eyes wandering –

washing over the tattoos and the nose ring and the gauges and your hair. your perfect face and your smile like you were high on happy. i wanted to touch you – climb right over the shiny veneer of the table and make sure you were real, and not something out of one of my daydreams – yet you were the one who couldn’t believe it was real

you said you used to stare at me at work when i’d walk by you two years before, that i intimidated you because you thought i’d just think you were a kid,  all i could do was laugh and shake my head, because it’s still true.

sitting across from eachother

walking around in the snow wondering if we should hold hands

listening to metal and driving around, not wanting it to end

serenading me…who does that?

you asked me what we should do next, you didn’t want to take me home, and i told you to kiss me – i knew i was in trouble

i could tell in the way your lips grabbed mine, the way your hands stroked my hair and grasped my throat, the way you’d pull back and bump my nose, drift your lips along my face without landing. i could tell in the intensity and tenderness of your mouth and hands and words.

i’m in trouble. big, big trouble

tumblr_inline_oj9enbQolO1sjrdm8_540

Letting Go

This is something I have a hard time with. I get an idea in my head, a person in my heart, a feeling deep in my belly…and even when all signs point in the direction of it not happening or working – I have the hardest time letting things go.
I get too attached. I know this about myself. To people, to objects, to memories, to feelings – I can let things go on for far too long just hanging onto threads until I too become tattered like the edges of a well worn blanket.
I need to let go of this. Of this idea. Of this feeling. I need to let go of things that are not healthy to me moving on. I need to get rid of the idea that my self worth is based off certain things. I need to put my ego in check and just let it go. I need to dump the images and words, I need to forget the laughs and the butterflies and the unicorns and the randomness. I need to forget the private jokes and morning smiles and late night talks. I need to forget how I let it in, how I let it sink so deeply into me that I hung ideas and thoughts on it that I shouldn’t have.
Saying and doing are two different things. But I need to hold myself accountable for this. For my part in it, and for allowing it in the first place.

tumblr_inline_oj6b3k0c7d1sjrdm8_540

If I Had Known

Will you ever write about me in one of your poems?”

I shrugged and laughed and told you probably not and to watch the road instead of staring at me

you grabbed my hand and kissed it, told me you loved me

something took hold of my throat and squeezed, making me gasp for air at the tenderness in your voice

sometimes the way you drove terrified me and excited me all at the same time;

the only thing lighting the road ahead of us was the moon -making it look like a winding black ribbon in front of us

we stopped when we came to a waterfall, made love on a park bench beside it – whispering things to each other in the dark

it was beautiful

you were beautiful

you ran

naked and barefoot, your skin shining bright white beneath the lunar glow

I laughed

you came back with a handful of blackberries (plus a few battle wounds) and fed them to me before you kissed me

I wish we could have stayed there forever.

Naked, in the dark.

Whispering so as not to disturb the trees, eating wicked berries and loving each other.

If I had known it was going to be the last time I would kiss you

or the last time I’d feel your skin against mine

or your breath in my ear

or your hands holding me together in one piece

If I had known it would be the last time you would tell me you loved me, I would have said so much before I destroyed it all.

I would have said to you – to never let me go. That you were the only thing holding me to the earth and the only thing I had done right in a long time. I would have told you that sometimes I ruin everything, and not to let me push you away. I would have told you to fight for me.

I would have told you how much I loved the trail of hair that ran from your belly button to your groin and that mole right at the bottom of your ribs. I would have told you how I loved looking at the line of your nose in the orange glow of my alarm clock late at night. And how sometimes I didn’t sleep, I would just lay there and hold your hand and listen to you breathe.

I would have told you how much I loved you, and how I would fall apart in your absence. And how I was sorry that sometimes I couldn’t say everything I needed too, and I would turn up my radio and sing instead.

And I would have told you the only way I would ever write about you, is if you were gone.

tumblr_inline_oiwtpkjIrO1sjrdm8_540

FuCk YoU

I swore I was strong enough, but forces inside me were more resilient
it still courses through my veins like a drug I’m high on
it took nothing at all
because the unseen force that took me there in the first place took me there again
and I gave in
It was familiar – just as it should be – but everything was different
and it killed me, because it smelled like something i thought i had the courage to throw away
It tasted like my favorite flavor and I forgot about my brokenness
it was like going back in time, to the way it should be and all the instincts to which I’d grown accustomed too – I got lost in the sameness.
The sounds, the tastes the ease with which it worked.
It felt right to hold on because before I thought I’d never have to let go
And then it was over
I convinced myself I saw a flicker – of something – it was so recognizable but I couldn’t reach it
And so it goes – replaying it over and over in my head, like a favorite song. Looking for a sign, any sign that it was anything more than what it was.

tumblr_inline_ojlortcX5D1sjrdm8_540

Gravity

I used to think you were full of shit.

You spoke of gravity willing you in and out of people’s lives. About connections never being broken. About the pull the moon had on you that night when you lay high as a kite – floating in an ocean in Africa. You spoke to me of dying. How it changed your views and how you lived and loved.

It was you who killed my heart. Tore it out of my chest – I told you that you were my last attempt at loving someone before everything good in me died. I cried in your arms – and you tried to comfort me as best you could. Made me kiss you with tears streaming down my cheeks. I was so angry.

Time went on – but I never stopped thinking of you.

One day I let it go. I let my anger go – and I told you.

I was walking around work one day, thinking about you. And BOOM – there you were, walking around a corner. There is still something electric – every time I’ve seen you since, it’s there hanging in the air so thick I can taste it.

Messages back and forth.

I will take it for now. In whatever capacity I can. In whatever way we crash into each other. Because it never felt more like home than it did with you.

Gravity, after all has landed us back where we are……

tumblr_inline_oivbciOCZz1sjrdm8_540

Good Girls

good girls don’t behave that way –
she would say it every sunday
my grandmother scolding me for running off with the boys
after church
climbing trees and running like wild hooligans down the alley
more often than not i would come back
knees scraped up
palms bloodied
pretty pink dresses ripped and muddy

good girls should act like ladies –
but acting like a lady never got me into anything but trouble
because it made me seem meek
it made me feel weak and silent

good girls don’t kiss boys like that
or let them put their hands in their jeans
making out at the roller rink past midnight
but at least i was in control

there are parts of me that are too dark to think about
parts of my mind i don’t enter
i’ve tried to
remember
until i realized maybe it was better i forgot

good girls are quiet and polite –
but i scream
i yell
i bang on things
i am not a good girl, I am here
i am surviving
and i am fucking everything up as i go along
i am havoc and mayhem
my mouth tastes as bitter
as the thoughts in my head

because good girls
go into the neighbors yard
when he needs help finding his dog
and you play a game of hide and seek
that you still can’t remember thirty five years later
good girls don’t tell on their uncle
who still has them fucked up
about their bodies when they are forty five
good girls dont tell
about the boys at the party
because they are more afraid of getting in trouble for being there at all
good girls dont fight back
when they’ve had too much to drink
and they wake up with a strangers fingers inside of them

i wore my sexual anger
like a coat of wet feathers
stuttering my usual flight pattern
but i’ve taped up my fragile ego
bandaged my bleeding wounds

i am okay
i am not a good girl

not anymore

tumblr_inline_oivbpnD7Yp1sjrdm8_540